Moody Kids: How to Respond to Pouting, Whining, and Sulking
Pouting, sulking and whining are three of the most annoying ways that kids communicate their displeasure, anger or frustration with a situation. This behavior is not just limited to young children, either-teens do it because they haven't always learned the skills to express their frustration in an appropriate way. Simply put: it works for them.
When kids or even teens walk around the house in a huff in order to get their way, that means someone-probably one or both parents-is still reacting to it. But know this: if you start blaming, accusing or trying to reason with your child about this type of behavior, you're just feeding the tiger-you're simply giving it more meat. The behavior will continue if you continue to get sucked in by it.
As your child grows older, they're supposed to learn ways to express their displeasure, frustration, anger or anxiety about a situation. Most kids are eventually able to do this most of the time, but some kids persist in sulking. It's not unusual to see children continue this all the way up into grade school and beyond. Remember, the behaviors kids tend to continue are the behaviors that are meeting their needs. And until your child learns other, more effective ways of communicating, it will probably continue.
I wouldn't give pouting and sulking too much power by overreacting to it or punishing your child. I personally wouldn't give consequences for it, either. After having the conversation with your child about other ways they can express themselves, I would ignore the behavior completely. But here's the key: whether they're sulking or not, your child still has to comply with your rules and do what you've asked of them. If they behave oppositionally or defiantly because of your requests, then deal with that behavior. Although it's annoying, try to stop responding to the fact that your teen is walking around the house with a huffy attitude.
Remember, deal with behaviors that are more easily observable and are more "acting-out" in nature. So, allowing your child to be in a sulky mood and not responding to it is the best way to get out of it. Let it die by neglect. In fact, like plants, a lot of these behaviors do die from neglect. If you leave them alone, they'll die. If you water them and nourish them, they continue to grow. It's as simple as that.
Whining is another annoying way kids have of expressing themselves. It has also become much more prevalent in our society over the last decade. You see a lot of people complaining all the time about things they can't change. People blame others for their emotional state regularly, on all ends of society. When people constantly complain about problems, emotions or situations, they're not willing to do anything positive about them. You'll hear wealthy people whine, you'll hear poor people whine. You'll hear conservatives whine, you'll hear liberals whine. And in the midst of that, you'll hear children whining.
Now, the emotional state that accompanies whining is usually that of feeling sorry for yourself. So maybe something's not going your child's way. They're not getting something they want, or they're afraid they're going to lose something they've got. All of this contributes to the level and intensity of the whining.
By the way, when you establish a complaint time (or whining time), your child will have to work to find things to complain about. The whining stops because most kids don't want to do any work-they just want to complain. Another benefit to you as a parent is that from now on, when your kids whine, you can tell them to write it in their journals or save it for the complaint time tomorrow.
It's not unusual to see kids who sulk and whine at home but don't demonstrate that type of behavior at school. This is because they've learned it's not going to work: their teachers don't respond to them the same way their parents do.
You'll also see times where it works with one parent and not the other. Whenever any behavior is more pronounced with one parent, it means that the behavior is working better with that parent. Kids learn very early that their parents are two different people and that they can have two different strategies when dealing with them. If it's an inappropriate behavior, I think it's important for parents to remember not to use the cop out of, "Well, his mom lets him get away with it, what can I do?"
Sound parenting requires that both parents communicate with each other separately from their children. If there's no TV after seven o'clock at night, that's a house rule. If one parent allows sulking to change that, then there's something wrong with the couple's communication. There's nothing wrong with the kid-he's just doing what works, after all.
Here's the bottom line: It's up to both parents to create a culture of accountability between them and their children. And that culture of accountability says, "You're accountable to me and I'm accountable to you. And no matter what else is going on with other people, you have to speak to me in a certain way and I'm going to speak to you in a certain way." End of story.
Develop a strategy on how you'll deal with your child's annoying behaviors, and you'll soon see that behavior wither and die.
by James Lehman, MSW
Developer of The Total Transformation -- a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media program that makes learning James' techniques remarkably easy and helps you change your child's behavior.