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Articles of Interest
Behavior Management
Using Behavior Charts
Reward Ideas
Consequences For Young Kids & Toddlers
When To Negotiate With Kids
Summer Vacation Problems
Kids Stealing From Parents
Attention Seeking Behavior
Why You Shouldn't Argue With Your Child
Bedtime Arguments And Homework
Regain Parental Control
Dealing With Defiant Young Kids and Toddlers
Using Natural Consequences
Summer Break Strategies
Create Accountability During Summer Break
Gaining Respect From Kids
Parenting Angry Teens
When Good Kids Misbehave
When Kids Only Act Out At Home
When No Means No
Start Parenting More Effectively
When Kids Ignore Consequences
When Your Kids Ignore You
Giving Effective Time-Outs
Dealing With Power Struggles Part 1
Avoiding Power Struggles Part 2
Setting Limits With Difficult Kids
How To Stop A Fight
Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Manipulative Behavior
Keep Your Summer Break Peaceful
Summer Survival For Parents
Disciplining Your Two Year Old
How To Stop Kids From Cursing
Inappropriate Soiling
Consequences For Teens
The Truth About Bullies
Stopping A Temper Tantrum

Potty Training

School

Classroom Management

Classroom Management Strategies

First Year Survival

Stop Bullying In Your Classroom

Controlling The Uncontrollable Class

Child Development

Birth to Age Five

Six to Eleven

Preteens & Teens

Importance Of Play In Child Development

Chores

Sleep

ADHD/ADD

Tips For Parenting ADHD and  Spirited Kids

Unlocking The Secrets To Good Behavior

Summer Planning For A Child With ADHD

Stress Management

Stress Management Tips

Stress-Guarding Your Family

Managing Holiday Stress

Preventing Parental Burnout

How To Be A Calm Parent

Alternative Families

General Parenting/Family 

Top 5 Parenting Mistakes
Parenting The Child You Have
Gaining Respect From Kids
Spending Money On Kids
Fix Your Morning Routine
Perfect Parents Dont Exist
How To Interview A Nanny
When Good Parents Have Difficult Children
Parenting Gifted Children
New Year's Resolutions For Parents
Deciding Appropriate Parenting Rules
Is Your Child A Know-it-all?
Successful Goal Setting
Walking Away From A Fight With Your Child
Creating Accountability In Your Home
Good Cop Bad Cop Parenting
Help Transition Your Kids Through Divorce
Parenting Picky Eaters
When Toddlers Are Picky Eaters
Help Kids Cope With Pet Loss
Great Book Series For Kids
What You Shouldn't Say To Your Kids

Keep Cool When Kids Push Your Buttons

Parenting Your Teen
Helping Kids Adjust To The New Baby
Summer Structure For Kids
Teaching Kids How To Save Money
Selecting The Right Pet
75 Ways To Say Good Job
Getting Kids To Love Reading

Why Boredom Is Good For Kids
Getting Along With Your Preteen
Bedwetting Solutions
Summer Job Ideas For Teens
Halloween Safety Tips
Halloween Party Snack Ideas
Autism/Sensory Disorders/Anxiety
Tips To Tackle Tricky Behaviors
 

 

   

 

 

Good Cop/Bad Cop Parenting

 

  

 

 

If you and your spouse take opposing roles in dealing with your kids, you're not alone. Many parents take on the roles of "good cop" and "bad cop" in the family. For instance, Dad is the kid's best buddy, and mom is the nag. Or dad is strict and mom is a sympathizer.

Which "cop" is right? And should you be a cop at all?

 

 

I see two problems with the notion of good cop/bad cop parenting. First, is the very idea that somebody has to be a "cop" all the time. Parents don't need to be cops. They simply need to be coaches and teachers for their children.

Second, what's really happening when parents become good cops and bad cops is that the kids have learned to split their parents. The area of the split is where kids go to get out of meeting their responsibilities.

For example, Tommy goes to mom and says, "Dad's making me clean my room before we go to the mall." Or he says to mom, "Why do I have to clean my room? Dad doesn't make me do it." When your child makes complaints like this, both parents have to be supportive of each other. You have to be able to say, "These are the rules Dad and I both have, and you have to do it or you're going to be held responsible for the consequences." Then turn around and walk away. That's it. Give simple statements of support. The more unified you are as parents, the more likely your child is to complete his responsibilities, because he doesn't have another way out. The only way out is to act responsibly and do what's asked of him.

But what if you don't really agree with what Dad is asking Tommy to do? If you have a problem with a rule or limit your spouse sets or a request that's being made of your kid, don't make a face. Don't sigh. And, by all means, don't argue with your spouse about the issue in front of the child-or even indicate that you are going to argue. Just tell your child he has to do what's been asked of him. Then talk with your spouse later, after the kids have gone to bed and out of earshot. This is important, because kids pick up on non-verbal cues from their parents a lot more than you think. If your child sees that you disagree with what's being asked of him, he'll bring up the issue again and again, to split you and your spouse and to avoid meeting the responsibility.

Simple statements of support work when you use them consistently. When Tommy complains that Dad won't let him play Runescape before he does his homework, and you say, ?Your father said you can't play Runescape until you do your homework. That's the rule,? you can bet Tommy will stop trying to split you and your spouse.
(Good Cop/Bad Cop reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents)

by James Lehman, MSW
 


For three decades, behavioral therapist James Lehman, MSW, worked with troubled teens and children with behavior problems. He developed a practical, real-life approach to managing children and adolescents that teaches them how to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of defiant, disrespectful, or obnoxious behavior. He has taught his approach to parents, teachers, state agencies and treatment centers in private practice and now through The Total Transformation -- a comprehensive step-by-step, multi-media program that makes learning James' techniques remarkably easy and helps you change your child's behavior.

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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